aaronmoles:

The Dark Knight Rises Pre-Review
by Aaron Moles

“I love this movie, even though I haven’t even seen it yet.”
- Me

The Dark Knight certainly Rises above all expectations in this fun-filled, gritty, serious, adventurous, violent and kid-friendly take on the character that has entertained people in comics since the 1900’s.  And let me tell you, if you think 2008’s The Dark Knight was the shit, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  And neither have I because I really haven’t seen it yet, but I will at midnight on Friday and I 100% guarantee beyond any doubt in my mind, I am going to completely lose my fucking mind.

Tom Hardy is going to be awesome as Bane.  While he won’t quite have the charm of Heath Ledger’s Joker, his physical presence on-screen will intimidate the hell out of audiences.  Whenever Bane’s around, some people are going to get seriously fucked up and their faces are going to get fucking crushed because Bane’s all strong and shit and he can totally kick Batman’s ass. 

And don’t get me started on Anne Hathaway as she purrs her way into the role of Catwoman.  She’s going to be rubbing herself up against audience’s everywhere looking for attention as she chases that Oscar Mouse.  Can The Cat catch The Bat?  That sounds like a question only The Riddler can solve.

But most of all, the performance that’s going to steal the show is going to be Joseph-Gor-don-Levit-t as Detective Goodcop, who’s going to seriously steal the show when he becomes Joker 2 in the third act.  SPOILER ALERT.  Oops, too late.

Doesn’t matter, though, because it’s impossible to spoil a movie that’s absolutely guaranteed to be balls-out-fucking-so-good-your-eyes-will-explode.  You could seriously watch this movie ten times in IMAX and your brain will need its Dark Knight Rises fix moreso than the blue meth (Breaking Bad shout-out, yo!).

Listen, again, I haven’t seen this movie, so I might be wrong about some things, but I really don’t think I am.  Hopefully, you’ve already purchased a ticket to see it at midnight so you can talk about it with all of your cool friends in front of the assholes who haven’t seen it yet this weekend.  If you haven’t bought tickets yet, you’re probably screwed since it’s probably going to be sold out for the next three months. (Check stubhub, though, maybe you’ll get lucky)

But yeah, I’m guaranteeing you’ll enjoy it because I already enjoy it.  In fact, I don’t even have to see the movie now I love it so damn much.

Anyone want my ticket? Sorry.  I’m going to see it this Friday.  Again.  For the first time, I mean.