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On Relaxing!

alanharris:

Go and pick up the nearest newspaper and read the headlines (DON’T PICK UP THE NEWSPAPER AND READ THE HEADLINES!). Did you notice how depressing and terrifying they were? Luckily I’m a world renowned* meditation expert. I have helped world leaders, celebrities, and people who play skateboards, relax. Now, for a low low price of whatever bills you send me in the mail, I will help you relax. 

During my relaxation classes, I sit at the front of a room while my relaxers sit with their eyes closed. Calming music plays, the lights are dimmed, and I calmly and soothingly recite relaxing imagery for the people to consider. Here are some, just for you.

- Consider the water of the Earth. Each living being from the human to a blade of grass depends on it for survival. See those guys near the river’s edge? What are they doing? What is that they’re dumping into the river? That doesn’t look good.

- The trees stretch towards the Heavens. They do this to receive their food, sunlight. In this way they are like the starving children in Africa, reaching towards the aide workers. Mimic the trees and stretch your arms towards the sky. (At this time you should stretch your arms).

- Buzz buzz, says the humble honey bee. Meow meow, says the content cat. Who are you? Says my grandmother with dementia. 

- Weeeew, weeeeew, weeeeew, weeeeeew, weeeeeeeeeew! Shhhh, it’s the cops. I was with you all weekend, got it?

- If there were no weirdos in this world, would women shave their pubic hair? Seriously, what’s with guys and liking a shaved vagina?

- Waves lapse upon the shore, swish, swish, swish. Look at the treasures it brings! Driftwood, for craft making; shells, for homemade jewelry; dead fish, for apocalyptic news reports; shoes with human feet inside them still, for the coroner.

- It’s cool if I’ve taken my shirt off, right? Shh, stay still and don’t open your eyes. You don’t want to see what I’m doing to my bellybutton. 

- You caught me. But who here hasn’t tried to fit a doughnut in their bellybutton?

-Where are you all going?

*Claims of world renownedness still pending before the courts

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